Not so very long ago in a land far fetched there lived a pair of tiny teeny hippopotameenie. Which all clever and right thinking people large and small know is the official word for more than one hippopotomouse. That's TERRUUE! We shall often call them micro hippos for short.ly.
HorAce and Jemimina were so called because tradition dictates that baby hippopotomeenie boys all have names begining with HorA. A little known point of fact here. Is that really all baby micro hippo boys can have names begining with H or A but sometime, a long long time ago, too far back to really remember well, the writing on the sacred naming scroll got smudged in an unfortunate accident with a cup of tea and it only looks like they should all begin with HorA. So it is that our hero's real name is spelt HorAce and is pronounced Hor Ace!
"Hor as in frost, ace as in flying." As HorAce likes to introduce himself - well I say intrduce himself but that's not really terrrue! Micro hippos are very, very, very, very, very and a lot more verys shy and so to be honest, Hor Ace never ever introduces himself to anyone... But when he imagines it, that is always how he does it - to help his new-found friend say his name properly.
In fact it is as a result of this excessive shyness that Jemimina is called Jemimina. The only time she uttered her name when asked, was the time the great Queen Tatafatbum herself asked her on the one and only Royally Huge visit to Hor Ace and Jemimina's yard.
Poor Jemimina was so nervous she stumbled on her name, "Er. Oh. Ummm. Jemeye, Jemeye, Jemimina your majestiness" she sqwalked.
And so it was that in order not to offend the great Queenlyness herself by suggesting that she had heard the little hippo's name incorrectly, Jemimina's parents felt duty bound, honoured almost, to call her Jemimina ever after. Even though they never met or even saw the auspiciously lovely Tatafatbum again.
Our story is about how Jemimina and Hor Ace came to be living in a three bed, Victorian terrace in Bristol during the damp, cold winter of 2010.
Well now, without putting too fine a point on the pencil that writes the story... Hor Ace and Jemimina were trumpers of the very highest order. They were day long tooters and despite their awful shyness they couldn't help trumpeting at the most inconvenient and red face making moments. (You can tell a hippopotomeenie is blushing because their nostrils get wider and they sit down hard on their bottoms, so they can put their hands over their eyes in shame.)
Hor Ace and Jemimina were notorious for their untimely chuffing and it was even touch and go that they'd be allowed to meet the gloriously, gorgeous Queen Tatafatbum at all. However they pleaded and begged so prettily with their mum and dad and the mayor of the yard thaty the were given permission, on pain of expulsion. (That means being thrown out of somewhere like when I was unfairly expulsioned from Brownie Camp for locking Brown Owl's ugly daughter in the potatoe cupboard. I told them then and I'll state it again for the record it was all a terrible misunderstanding.)
Pinky promises were issued all around - not easy for hippos of any size or state of realness, I might add. Come the great and auspiciously humungous day, the little hippopotomeenies were all excitement. They decorated every available surface of their yard with spitball candy. (A most delicious thing - they chew up leaves and worms until the mixture forms a glumpy lump. Then they spit it out at a wall and leave it to dry. This results in lots of lovely spitted candy shapes that they string together into spitball candy garlands. They really do look loveliciously sweet.
In fact every hippopotomeenies spit makes the candy go a different colour, so everyone gets involved to make rainbow garlands. For the decorously, delicious Queen the tiny teeny hippopotomeenies had excelled themselves. the yard looked A-maze - ing! The really really great thing about the spitball candy deckos is that they are all edible so decorations and the feast are all made in one go. The hippopotomeanie were ready to party hearty...
Horace and Jemimina had been kept exclusively on a diet of water and rose petals for over a week in a bit do reduce the danger of inappropriate trumpage. A badly timed parp at the fragrant and frothy Queen Tatafatbum would be a dis-ast-ter! They were giggling together at the very idea while splashing about at their local yard watering hold. They were getting clean for the great Queen.
The most audaciously unaverage royal personage was due to arrive just before lunchtime and at exactly five to one on the dot all the little tiny teen hippopotameenies were arranged around the yard in serried ranks of hippopotomlyness the most important at the front - and the most important of them all were Hor Ace and Jemimina's mother and father and of course the Mayor - who was carrying the mascot. Geoff the squirrel. Geoff was prone to the most mental squirrel panicing displays you can imagine, so he was temporarily put into a padded cage for his own safety.
Tatafatbum's introduction music began suddently and the gates of the yard swung open revealing the heavenly, wonderment of the Queen's entourage. They were all decked out in sparkling spitball candy headresses and each toenail of each of the Queen's own Hippo Guard were painted a glowing pinkety pink. They sallied forth into the yard to the delighted cheering and mooing of the happy micro hippos. The very last personage to pass through the pearly gates of hippoliness was the breathtaking Queen Tatafatbum herself.
Oh she was a vision. Bedecked and bejewelled with royal gold spitball candy - and with each of her huge toenails painted a different irridescent colour.
Hor Ace and Jemimina were in raptures and despite themselves the little tiny teeny twin hippopotomeenies let out a simultaneous volley of farts... fprarp, brrarrrp, bwwrarp!
There was a horrified gasp followed by a dignified silence. The Queen herself peered at Jemimina. 'What is your name?' she asked loudly and suprisingly gruffly for one so graceful and chic...
"Er. Oh. Ummm. Jemeye, Jemeye, Jemimina your majestiness" ...
Hor Ace didn't want to wait another moment for the inevitable banishment pronouncement. (Banishment is the same as expulsionment but done by someone of Royal blood and completely irreversible - so there. Amen).
So he grabbed his stuttering sister and made a mad dash for the yard gate - in the ensuing furore with spitball candy garlands flying hither and yon the terrified mascot went off alarming. "geoff in a panic, geoff in a panic, geoff in a mild but buidling to hysterical hissyfaced panicah!"... This caused the mayor to forget all sense of protocol and snatch up the caged squirrel, dive past the great Queen and head for the safetly of his pen. The entire royal visit descended into chaos and they all stampeded out of the yard towards the watering hole...
In the meantime Hor Ace and Jemimina had run for all they were worth out of the yard, down the back alley, across the great green park and onto a bus.
Now might be a good time to point out that on the whole and taking all things into due consideration, tiny teen hippopotomeenie cannot be seen by humans, or anyone else if you are intent on being master or miss picky merlicky from pickytown, picksville picksilvania.
So no-one saw the two little hippos jump on the bus and head for the Gloucester Road. Well of course they didn't otherwise you'd have heard about it before now surely?
Next time, if there is a next time - we shall find out where they got off the bus and how it is they came to stay in that three bedroom, Victorian Terrace. I happen to know this because I have met them. And that really is TERRUE! so there. Smackah Backah no returns... EVER!